Texas After Violence Project Interview with Ms. Carolyn Mosley - part one of six

COPYRIGHT 2009 Carolyn Mosley and the Texas After Violence Project

Watch the complete interview.

Date: October 1, 2009

Place: Austin, TX

Equipment: Sony mini-HD DV camcorder; Sennheiser external microphone

Recorded on: Sony mini-DV cassettes

Interviewer: Kimberly Bacon

Videographer: Parish Jefferson

Transcription: Ellen Morrisey and Lydia Crafts

Reviewed & edited: Lydia Crafts

BACON: With Ms. Carolyn Mosley in Austin, Texas. Myself, Kimberly Bacon is conducting the interview and Parish Jefferson is doing the camera work. So we'll start out, if you could just tell me a little about yourself and kind of where you came from and your family history that sort of thing?

MS. CAROLYN MOSLEY: Okay, I am Carolyn Mosley and I was born in Nacogdoches, Texas and at three months we moved to Dallas and when we moved to Dallas, my father used to do a lot of different types of work until he became a self-employed plumber. He had his own business. And when he had his business, we did pretty good. We were doing real good. My dad was a great provider.

And my mom, she was the kind of person she didn't have to work and when she grew up she was abused. And when she was abused, or by her abused, she then abused because that was her bringing up. And I was the product of her abuse. I would get beat with extension cords, switches, if a switch wore out, she going come back with another switch—go get me another one. I might have knots upside my head, my nose might be bleeding, I might be bleeding all over from scars—I still got scars from switching cords. My sisters used to beg my mom "Mom, stop. We'll bust instead of her," you know.

And because of that abuse, I left home. And when I left home, I ran into another type of abuse because I wanted to leave home so badly it didn't matter to me. But I didn't know I was running into the arms of another abuser, which was a man. And the type of abuse that I got from this man was—he would beat me.

And on my birthday he beat me so badly, I was seven months pregnant and he beat me so badly until I lost my son. You see, my first-born was a son. And I was seven months pregnant when he got killed. And I say when got killed because they said at the hospital that my son got killed because my son was actually inside of me fighting for his life. His eye was you know, messed up. His arm was broken. His little ribs were crushed in the little gristle bone that he did have was all beat up and messed up. On March the 21st. I got beat up on March the 17th. Now I remember all of these dates. On March the 17th I got beat up. On March the 21st, I had my son. I held my son in my vagina until I got to the hospital. They were like Miss Carolyn, you got to let him go, you got to let it go. I said but if I let it go, he going to come. It’s too early. I have a thing with children. I love children. I love children so much. And when they get hurt, it’s a pain for me to see a child hurting. So my son didn't make it. His name was DeMarcus, and he did not make it.

Although I went back home with my mom because I left him, and I went back home to my mom, and after getting back home to my mom, I couldn't afford to stay with my mother. See, my mother wasn't one of those mothers that you could stay here until you could get back on your feet and move out. My mother was one of those mothers who was you pay me four hundred dollars a month and you buy your rent and I still have my car loan and my insurance, so basically it's like I had a one bedroom apartment staying with my mother. So there was no way I could save money. Plus, I was working with my father at the time because I had gotten beaten up so bad, this man would come to my job. I lost my job behind of him.

So thank God my dad had a business to where I could have a little something coming in. And that little something, my check would go to my mother, not my daddy. Because my mother was one of those people, boy she dressed, my mom she dressed good. That's one thing about her, we all dress well but my mother, she have her hats on, you know she'll be dressed to a "T." But I'm not, dogging my mom out. I love my mother with everything in me. We just didn't get an opportunity at that age to learn each other. And people ask me, “Why you didn't get an opportunity to learn your mother, your mother didn't get an opportunity to learn you?” No because my mother didn't know how. And me being as young as I was, I didn't know how to give her love because I wasn't receiving it. You have to be taught love before you can to give it. You got to know what love is before you can pass it down. I didn't know what it was.

All I knew was abuse. And being abused was a norm for me. It was like you wake up, you go to sleep, wondering, what good can happen for me when you being told, 24/7 you just like me and you ain't going to be nothing. You ain't gonna be able to do this, you ain't gonna be able to do that. Although I was in school—I was city core council leader, I was president of this, I was president of that. I mean, I was doing good in school. But it was not appreciated by my mom because she would always put it up in my face, you just like me. Well if I’m just like you, what's wrong with me? What's wrong with us? Why can't we fix it? Those have always been my questions.

So I grew on up, stayed with my mom. This guy, he kept talking to me and I was like, “Lord I need a way out. I need a way out of this.” I went back. You know, you wonder, why do people go back to their abuser? I went back because I was going to be abused any way I went. I felt like I didn't have a choice. I didn't really know how to grow up because I'd never been taught how to grow up. I didn't know how to be responsible wholeheartedly because I wasn't taught how to be responsible. All I'd been taught was when you make your check, you bring it home, whether it was for him or for my mother. I didn't know how to do money because I'd never had money of my own. So basically, that’s like that took my independence away. I was always dependent upon my abusers, because I had nowhere else to go, nothing else to do.

So in the process of me going back, I found out that I was pregnant again, with my oldest daughter Kasma. When I was pregnant with Kasma—this ain't going to happen to me no more. I'm getting out of this. So I left, pregnant, and when I left, it was just me and Kasma, and for three years we did great. I was doing really, really well.

And then I met Trella's dad. When I met him, I thought everything was going to be good. You know, a lot of times when you meet guys, and I can only speak from a woman's point of view because I'm a woman. But a lot of times when you meet a man and you feel good with him, give it time. And the reason why I say that is because I rushed. I didn't get to know him, I just got to get to know what was in his pants. And I didn't get to know him as an individual, as a person with emotions, as a person with feelings, as a person with time inside. And what I mean by that is, after I got to know him I found out he couldn' t wake up without a joint, he couldn't go to sleep without a joint, he couldn't wake up in the middle of the night and go to the bathroom without smoking a joint before he come back to bed. I didn't know of the addiction that he had.

So there I am, running into another abuse. And that got so to where he started stealing. Our bills wasn't getting paid because him too, I was giving my money to.

So I left him when Trella was nine months old. And I moved, and I started teaching my children abuse because I was never taught that. And I always thought, if I don't teach them then they could fall into the arms of people like I did. And then if I taught them, at least they could notice it before it got too bad. And I taught my children how to love.

See a lot of people don't teach their children love. They teach their children, “Be who you are and whatever happens happens."

And what I mean by that is like you have people saying, "Ok, well, I love him and I care a lot about him, but what is love?”

Love is your worth, love is who you are, love is being you freely and unconditionally. Love don't come with a condition. Love comes with much freedom. And people don't understand that. They think you have to be bound in love. No. If you bound in love, you're being abused. Because to be bound means you're being forced to do something or you're steadfast and you can't do nothing at all. All that, that's abuse. Only thing that I feel love can come with is freedom. And that's something Trella would say all the time. Love is a butterfly. It's locked up in an individual until its' able to let go and be free. A lot of people didn't understand that concept but a butterfly's in a cocoon for so long but when it comes out it’s beautiful. And that's what love is. It's beautiful, it's freedom. And I taught my children that.

Continue to part two of six

COPYRIGHT 2009 Carolyn Mosley and the Texas After Violence Project